yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
