Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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