I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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