did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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