Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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