paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
