I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
