Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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