Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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