Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
