I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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