Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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