pop tarts are not kleenex
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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