i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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