can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
