He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
