I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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