So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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