I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I wear drunk well.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
