The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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