Don't you send me to vm
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
