The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
