Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
