Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Can I color on your dick again?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
