Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
