While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
