my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
