Best friends brother. Beat that.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
