Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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