I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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