Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
