After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I could make wine with my vomit
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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