if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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