Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
