Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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