I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
