I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
