idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
