oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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