I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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