I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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