dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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