Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
