I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize