Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
