I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
