but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
