You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
