You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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