My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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