fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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