You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Did I show you my penis last night?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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