You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize