I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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