I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
