I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
