your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
