there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
