yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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