I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
