i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
