Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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