i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
